October 13, 2007
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Forgettable
I have become entirely forgettable. You know the type. In a group they are one of the faces. Not too nice, not too smart, not too dumb. Occasionally add something to the conversation/discussion but not usually not enough to make an impression either good or bad.
This is going to take some getting used to. Surprisingly I miss being remembered. Miss having unique enough quirks expressed that I was actually somebody worthy of a name to go with that face in a sea of faces. Gone are the days where I was the ditzy fun, bubbly blond that was nice and sweet if a bit spacy.
Sometimes I find myself taking a look at my life and wondering who I even am anymore. Have evolved so much since marriage and even more since having Noelle. Feels like I have morphed into a totally new individual. I miss the old me. She fit into pants much better for one…
But she was a lot more fun too. This crazy, hectic life of ours leaves me feeling like a juggler with one or two too many balls in the air. Instead of executing a flawless routine of balls swirling through the air it feels as though I am simply trying to bat balls into the safest corners possible without breaking something.Ironically now that I am officially a “Vanilla” person, due to our rather public presence through our business I feel under more scrutiny than ever before. My NAME is recognized, and my face sometimes from a picture in our catalog or website. It scares me a little bit. I saw what public scrutiny did to people who worked in politics. This is nowhere even CLOSE to that but it’s still disconcerting. I feel an added pressure when I have people over to serve something super “healthy” or I might be disappointing to them. I feel guilty sometimes for struggling to deal with some of the normal things that other new Mom’s deal with because I’m supposed to “have it all together.” In reality no one is putting this pressure on me but myself. It’s an annoying first born tendency thing I’ve never been able to shake off.
Instead of dwelling on how I feel about all this I should be encouraging myself with truth.
- My Man loves me so wonderfully and unconditionally. Even when I let him down he is so patient, gracious and loving.
- God gave our baby girl to us for a reason. We are not (and will never be!) perfect parents to her, but we are the parents He chose for her. By God’s grace and mercy she will receive what she needs from us, and specifically me as her Mom as she grows up.
- God is so good.
All the time.
Forever and ever.
He is ever merciful and gracious to us.
Ever our faithful provider.
In my weakness He is made strong.It is time to take our wee pink clad one to bed. Her soft, chubby baby hand is gently stroking my face. I am suddenly reminded that to her, I am most memorable. <Happy sigh> Motherhood is definitely worth it.
Although I would still like to fit into those pants again someday.
Comments (6)
Hey girl,
you are not forgettable! Just chatting with you the night of Anna & Brent’s wedding made my night. Hearng your story touched my heart. It helps knowing others been through what I went through. Your little angel is blessed to have you guys as parents! : )
You are so special to me. Just YOU, not you “the wife” or you “the mom”.
) Some of us remember the “old” you (before your marriage, moves, business, baby, etc etc) and can see how God has been shaping you more and more into the image of His Son. You are His beautiful creation and He delights in you right now. 
I admire you and appreciate you with all your supposed “flaws” and am grateful to call you my friend. (and pretty much sister. Hee hee!
I understand what you are saying, but I disagree from my point of view. I read your blog because I find you a fascinating person. I am so blessed to be your friend. And excited that ten years ago God allowed my path to begin its journey to yours while I was in Russia and my brother befriended your husband. But I do see what you are saying. Marriage and kids definitely change our lives and sometimes it is easy to feel like we are lost in the shuffle.
Glad you are someone that I feel I can be myself around, desserts and all. (especially since my pants don’t fit so well anymore.) Cannot wait to see you on Thursday, it will be a nice respite.
Dearest Steph
Just be patient Hun, It is EASIER to gain the the few extra pounds, then to lose them, we all would LOVE it if they came off FASTER then they do, but it will come off, just watch it with the Carbs, and do sit ups with Noelle sitting on your legs, Or watre arobics does great sweetie, your Aunt Vicki has lost 80 pounds in this past year from getting in the pool EVERYDAY!!!!!
It’s been a long haul, but I’ve done it!!!! E-mail me sometime … I love you ,Steve and Noelle BUNCHES
Aunt Vicki
NOT ditzy?!? Who are you & what have you done with blonde I knew?
Well, all I can say is I didn’t “know” you before your marriage but you don’t see at all “vanilla” to me. I like reading your blog and always really enjoy your thoughtful posts on the c. But I know what you mean about fitting into old clothes. . . mine mostly fit but they’re just “different” now!
Yes, I have read Shepherding a Child’s Heart. Honestly I wasn’t as impressed with it as I had hoped/expected to be. IMO he still puts way too much emphasis on “the rod” as being the only Biblical tool for correction, and in a lot of ways seems to assure you that if you do not spank, your kid simply will not turn out. I’m not 100% convinced that spanking isn’t Biblical, but he doesn’t even address any of the anti-spanking arguments (which are also made from scipture). . . he simply says that if you do not spank you are unwilling to obey God in the painful thing he has commanded you to do. I take issue with that.
You should read the Lutherama post that I linked to. She actually adresses Tripp but I didn’t want to go that far in my post. Call me a coward. I am.