January 11, 2010

• He makes all things beautiful in His time…

  One year ago today we lost our most recent baby. I have always thought of her as a girl although it was too early to tell gender for sure. She was so incredibly tiny and precise in every detail. Was amazing to see the little one suspended in her little cocoon of amniotic fluid in such flawless perfection.

  In many ways dealing with losing this baby was more difficult than any of our other losses. The reality seemed much more “real” as far as the implications of having lost a future child. Having our beautiful little girl and living with that incredible gift on a daily basis brought home the loss a lot harder. We did not name her, have never felt a need to come up with names for our lost babies.  She was buried by the little peach tree in the back yard.

  Different days have been a struggle this year for me on an emotional level. Her due date coming by with us having no baby was hard. The Holidays were harder still. Kept thinking that I had expected to be able to have our baby in my arms by then. I had expected that today, the one year anniversary of her loss would be really difficult.  It ended up being a celebration of where my life is now instead of a time of grief over what was lost. God’s goodness never ceases to amaze me.

  Spent some time by the tree where we buried her this afternoon. While I was there a name came to me out of the blue. It isn’t a name that I’ve ever thought of for any of our children. It was like a moment of recognition and realization that this simply is her name. As simple as that. Even the spelling is not what I would have chosen. It looked beautiful as I reviewed the unusual spelling. And it felt just right as I said it out loud.
  
                              Kaitlyn Anne

  Elegant, beautiful and precise just like she was. It one sense it felt so odd to have a name for her, especially since it is not something we have felt a need have with any of the other babies. It just felt right. Complete. And completely peaceful. Brought a smile to my face and lifted my spirits as I thanked God for allowing Kaitlyn Anne to have been with us for even such a brief time.

  When I went inside I immediately went to look up the meaning of the names online. Although the spelling of Kaitlyn was unusual as I read the meaning a lump grew in my throat. Tears spilled over as I read the meaning of Anne. The combined meaning of the two names was incredible.

                                    Pure and Favored Grace

  If this name and it’s meaning had been given to me last year my grief would have kept me from appreciating it. Would have felt like a mockery of our loss. Receiving it a year down the road, with the ability to look back on what this year has held puts me on my knees in gratefulness.  God has used this wee one’s absence in our lives in a powerful way in this past year. In some ways it has been the hardest year by far in our marriage. Very deep subjects dealt with and worked through in our marriage, our family and home structure that were in many ways a result of our emotional processing of her passing.  It is never something I would have chosen but the beauty that has come of it and the richness we have gained as a result cannot even be measured.

  We have truly experienced pure and favored Grace this year. It is a beautiful thing. The perfect healing synopsis of this year. Our precious Kaitlyn Anne will always be loved and remembered. So grateful to God for the comfort He never fails to bring even when it is least expected.

  • 11:01 pm
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