June 27, 2007

  • Birthday and deep thoughts…

    25 years old.  Wow.  My very own personal “old” age number.  I believe everyone has a certain age in their minds that they consider officially old or officially in the realm of true adulthood.  Mine has always been 25.  Now that I have obtained this previously thought of as lofty age I should be able to look back at my life and marvel at how much has been accomplished, or how much I’ve learned, or matured, or what a great perspective on life I now have.  Unfortunately I can’t do any of that.  Reflecting on my past is not something I like to do.  It’s filled with a lot of hurts, regrets, frustrations, confusion and costly mistakes.  I’d like to say that I am now more mature due to these experiences.  Unfortunately I can’t.  I feel less mature right now than I did at 18.  There is a general feeling of having “regressed” rather than progressed. 

    I have been blessed to have been able to have a broad range of unique experiences in 25 years.  The ultimate being the blessing and job of becoming a Wife and Mom.   There is nothing more satisfying and at the same time terrifying.  Now my mistakes and fumblings in life directly affect two people instead of just myself.  This awareness is overwhelming and constant.  Now more than ever I need my dear Lord’s strength and wisdom to just handle the simple task of living day by day.

    Our precious little one is asleep.  My heart swells with love as I look at her sweet face until it hurts and tears fill my eyes.  She is the ultimate gift.  I remember when I found out that I was pregnant with her.  Instead of there being any hope, or joy at the news I instead broke down crying in hurt, frustration and anger at God.  Why would God do this to me?  The Dr.’s had not been able to find a cause for our previous miscarriages and I had no hope that this pregnancy would make it to term any more than any of the others had.   I had shut hope out of my mind because it hurt too much.  Even after the dreaded first trimester was over I couldn’t fully grasp on an emotional level that we really were going to have a baby.  As my body undeniably changed and I felt her energetic movements some small part of me still held back fearing that something bad was going to happen and it would all disappear again.   Not until I  held her in my arms moments after her birth and looked into her big, bright and alert eyes calmly gazing into mine did I truly accept the reality of what God had  done for us.  She is not “ours” in the sense of ownership.  No, we have simply been allowed the honor and privilege of providing love, care and training for her until she is old enough to step out completely into her own independent life.  I’ll cry when the time comes to completely let her go but it’ll be tears of joy and thankfulness as well as loss.  Until then I’m going to enjoy every moment that I can.  Even the frustrating ones!

    It has been a peaceful and lovely birthday.    Time to join Doodlebug in slumber.

    Thank you God for our wonderful Babe.  Thank you for showering us with your many undeserved blessings.  Thank you for the hard days, the stresses, the anxieties and even fears.  Keep us in total reliance upon You.  Give us wisdom, love, compassion and understanding.  Please guide and protect me during this next year of my life.  Protect me from myself, help teach me to set a watch upon my mouth and to learn to control my tongue.  Thank you for the wonderful and most amazing man in the world that you have given as my husband.  Thank you for the special little one you have put in our lives.  Give us wisdom and patience as she grows up.  Especially on those days when we have no idea what to do!  Thank You for being the God that You are.  I am humbled by Your love and grace.  Teach me gratefulness even for the hard and awful times and remind me that You work all things to our good.  Remind me to rest and enjoy the beautiful days.

    Signed,
    You know who

    PS Thanks for the rain.  We really needed it! 

Comments (9)

  • You’re gonna be such an awesome mom, Shteph. I mean…wait, no…you already ARE! And you’ll continue to be. :)

  • Happy Birthday! :)

  • I love you, friend… thanks for your call the other day, I’ll return it tonight! I’m so glad you had a nice birthday!

  • Happy Birthday! I turned 25 this past May and that was my “old” too. I guess I have to pick a new old age now . It is so nice to see you on the other side of all of the miscarriage pain. I hope I am there soon.

  • Happy birthday cute girl!!!!!

    My heart swells until it hurts too.  Funny how teeny babies can steal the heart right out of us.  I’m so happy that you’re a mama.

  • Happy Birthday Steph!

  • Happy Birthday Steph! I felt old when I turned 25 in Nov….funny cause 26 is approaching TOO FAST!! hahaha…better than the alternative;) Isn’t being a Mommy just wonderful!?

  • Happy Birthday!

  • Happy Happy Birthday sweet friend! It was so great to visit with you yesterday. You are such an inspiration to me. I hope that I may someday be the wise and loving wife and mother that you are today! Love you! ~ Danae

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