August 29, 2007

• Attacked by a Zebra

  So I was trying to figure out how I could somehow glamorize these
  stretch marks of mine. The side of me that loves drama craves something more than the mundane factual details.  Something grand sounding.  Heroic even.  I’ve
  thought about saying “Well, I was pregnant, which means I created a
  child from the raw materials in my body and with just the jump start of
  a microscopic sperm and egg.  It only took 9 months and yet the results
  are 100% unique.  In the process the skin around my stomach was
  stretched further than skin should ever be stretched and developed
  these purple streaked marks that may or may not ever go away.” That
  just doesn’t sound amazing, or dramatic.  Actually it sounds rather
  gross.  Besides, that is the story every ex- pregnant- stretch- marked
  woman tells. 

  I have decided to make up my own story to explain these strange marks. 
  Imagine the looks of wonder and amazement that would be mine following
  THIS story…

  “So there I was.  In deepest darkest Africa.  On a Safari.  We were
  traveling with a group of mad Scientists who were doing experiments on
  the genetic code of Zebra’s.  They had captured half a dozen of these
  creatures and injected them with serum.  The plan was to keep them for
  observation for several weeks.  As I’m sure you all know, deepest
  darkest Africa doesn’t have toilets so if one must go to the bathroom
  in the middle of the night one must go outside the camp and try to find
  a promising bush.  It was the middle of the night when I heart the call
  of nature.  I got up and fumbled out of the tent, groping my way across
  the ground.  Disoriented by fatigue I un knowingly made my way into the
  area with the Zebras.  I heard a roar and squeal and felt something
  bite my oh so white behind.  After my screams awakened the rest of the
  camp it was discovered that I had been used as a chew toy by a over
  zealous Zebra.  Now I got to be the object of the oh so curious
  scientists attention.  Turns out the bites healed quite nicely and the
  only after effects I have of the whole incident to this day are random
  patches of purple and silvery stripes.  Wanna see???”

  Ok so that one might not be heroic sounding either.  But at least it
  would be unique and might get more positive reactions than the true
  version brings.   So if you ever happen to be with me on the beach
  don’t be surprised if you over hear: “Oh, these?  I was attacked by a
  Zebra…”

  Of course this whole Zebra story leaves my wee darling needing a bit of
  explanation.  But that could be fun too.  See, every OTHER woman in the
  world shares the traumatic or hideous brith details with each other. 
  Blah blah blah.  We’ve all been there, heard that in some version or
  another before.   Babies too need some spicing up.  I can just see
  myself now, shopping in Wal Mart.

  Sweet old lady in cooing baby voice: “Why hello there little one!   Where did you come from?  Aren’t you just the cutest little thing ever??”
  Me in a confidential tone of voice:  “You would never GUESS where SHE came from!  She’s from the planet
  Droolsalot.  She speaks Cooington and several dialects of Squealons. 
  She arrived quite out of the blue one night, and I DO mean blue!  There
  was a flash of brilliant blue light then a little bundle wrapped in
  green was lowered before me with a note requesting that I raise her
  among humans as one of us.  But I can tell you she isn’t like us. 
  Noooo, not at all.:
  Sweet Old Lady looking very worried and slightly alarmed while backing slowly away while sputtering: “S-sh-she isn’t??”
  Me: “Noooo.  She sure isn’t!  This is just one of the strange things
  she does…  She hypnotizes people into holding her.  They’ll hold her
  for hours without being able to escape her mental hold over them.  Only
  when she gets bored does she release their minds from her mesmerizing
  charm <Said in a fearful voice>  If she ever locks eyes with you
  it’s over, you’ll never truly be free of her.”
  Old Lady walking rapidly away while avoiding eye  contact with Noelle: “Ohmy. Ohmyohmyohmy.  Well, you take care now alright? And uhm.. Oh my.”

  Yes.  Given slightly less self control than what I currently possess
  and being only just a hair more bored than I currently am with the
  general public as a whole I just might actually have to try this one
  day.

  Honestly…Which would you rather hear?  Boring truth or interesting fiction?

  • 3:09 am
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