This past week has been a rough one for our little family and household. My obsessive compulsive brain has gone over the details again and again and yet again of the events that transpired, the words that were said but most of all the emotions that were felt. Initially my conclusions were that 2+2 did NOT = 4. It kept coming out at 7 or 3 or 5. That always bothers me. Until action, reaction, and the resulting emotional response = something that makes sense in any context it’s like a puzzle that a couple of pieces have been lost from.  So I searched for pieces. Prayed for wisdom, for understanding, for clarity of thought.

I don’t pretend to fully understand what happened. The situation is still baffling to me and has gone down as one of the most bizarre roller coaster rides I’ve ever seen or been on. But, instead of being completely frustrated with no answers as to why the impact was as great as it was on all parties, something at least makes sense now. As an accomplished manipulator (yeah yeah, I’m coming clean about that) if I had attempted to hurt all of the individuals that were involved in this I could not have come up with a more perfect scenario. Previous experiences in multiple peoples lives, still tender wounds of broken trust, broken friendship, sensitivities from things that we had considered part of our past lives, vulnerabilities in areas most of us would have never admitted to having and perhaps did not even know we had took a bigger toll than anybody could have ever anticipated. While this in no way negates taking personal responsibility for actions or reactions however inappropriate or extreme it does help make the 2+2 come closer to = 4. Close enough that my mind can start to let it go, let it rest and become part of the past instead of so very much in our present.

Never have I ever seen God so directly use a situation that involved individuals outside of our family in such a negative context to so greatly positively impact us as a couple. Strange as it is to say, it is absolutely true. God used parts of what happened in our home, literally under our noses as a mirror to reflect back some things in ourselves that were not pleasant. It was humbling. It was painful. It was real. It was crucial. I am so very grateful for that. For such a “hands on” way to experience God’s working something to our good and His glory. That does not happen in such an immediate way very often in my life.

Love. Forgiveness. Grace. Trust. Freedom. Love. Not feelings but actions. Translating these concepts from the realm of feelings into the reality of actions is a lot harder than it sounds like it would be. I am learning. And ever so grateful for the people in my life. And especially grateful for my husband. The man I married is unashamedly tenderhearted and it is a characteristic that never ceases to humble me and fill me with thankfulness. I so clearly remember being on my face before God, begging Him to show me beyond all shadow of a doubt whether or not this was the man I was to marry, if this was truly His will for me or simply my own desires and emotions. The answer was crystal clear then and now, almost five years later is even more clear. If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, the short comings, hardships, frustrations and hurts that would be to come there would be no second guessing or hesitation…I would choose to be his wife again in a heartbeat knowing it would be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

A heads up to our frequent company. Part of the fall out of this situation is the advent of “House Rules” for our home that our guests and ourselves will abide by. This isn’t something we’ve ever felt the need to have in our home before but, it’s not a bad idea under any circumstances. Better late than never eh?   The first two drafts have had me giggling helplessly at how hilarious and extreme sounding some of the rules are, stuff one would never think would need to be put into writing. I can just see a single guy reading them and thinking “Wow, what is this deal with no suggestive or romantic bodily contact unless officially interested in a relationship or engaged??? These people are so weird.” Well, yes, we are. <ahem> And by many standards hyper sensitive. But, we have good reason for some of the weird rules. For example: “If you are a wonderfully helpful person and choose to pitch in and do dishes please do not use dish detergent on the cast iron” and if nothing else might provide some humor to what would otherwise be a very dry and boring list indeed.

Enough word processing for me. Back to my busy busy day.

One of the things I love about our lives is the semi constant comings and goings of various friends, family, employees and acquaintances through our home.  It keeps us busy, it keeps us entertained, it reminds us how blessed we are.  Semi constant contact with people of all types an all walks of life can also be humbling and stressful. We love and appreciate the guests that come through and completely make themselves at home and integrate themselves into whatever craziness is currently going on around here.

Recently I’ve had to come face to face with an old nemesis of mine: Challenging situations and the resulting require communications. This is not a difficult thing when it involves people that I have zero personal investment in. When it involves people I love it gets a lot harder.  Especially when clear answers to difficulties and challenges are not forthcoming and there is just a vague sense of indefinable frustration.  Frustration in communications is something Noelle is learning a lot about these days.  Her vocabulary is far more extensive than her ability to actually clearly differentiate between words. Something I’ve learned from her has really been sinking in to me lately.  She doesn’t give up. What she lacks in skill she more than makes up in determination. If it requires taking an adult by the hand, dragging them to the object of discussion after several minutes of sheer frustration on her part she is always willing to do whatever it takes to make sure her point is made. I am beginning to think that it is a shame that we have lost that tenacious persistence in communication as adults. When we no longer have to work hard to get across the most basic of concepts we become more and more lazy as time goes by. If a first or second or even third attempt at communicating a difficult concept or situation falls flat we all too often walk away saying “I tried, I more than tried and it is just not worth it. I have better things to do in my life.” 

There are not many people I care enough about to go back to the fourth, fifth or even sixth time but I’m learning. It’s harder to take adults by the hand and show them an emotion, or take them back in time to explain a situation than it is to drag Mommy to the cabinet to show her the craisins that sound exactly like raisins when pronounced by a two year old. But maybe, just maybe, in some situations it’s worth the effort and energy expended. I’m giving the theory a shot anyway.

In other news my latest TV Show obsession is Leverage. Very cool series. Replaces House and Monk in my book.

Since the advent of facebook in my life my poor blog has been woefully neglected as I’ve commented on in my last few sporadic postings on xanga.

Soooo. Some general updates on us.

- We are in the process of being approved for an adoption.  This first Adoption will be domestic, likely a baby from here in TN and very likely a minority. The process is a lot longer and definitely more involved than we had originally anticipated. We have two training classes yet to go, three group meetings, a psych evaluation, full physicals, background check and finger printing still to go before they can actually even do the official home visit. Oh, plus a huge pile of paperwork that I had started filling out but has been missing since our massive clean up due to putting the house we live in on the market whiiiich leads into the next update….

- Our house is currently on the market. In this economy it is likely not going to sell and to be honest that will be a relief at this point.  The stress of juggling business, finding a new place to purchase and move to, and adoption all at the same time is more overwhelming than I can contemplate at the moment. We have a few more weeks to keep it on the market and then will gratefully take it down and will probably try again next year when the timing is better. If, and when it sells we plan to purchase a property not too far from where we are that has a lot less house and a lot more land. I still have a yearning to do little hobby farming things like hens for fresh eggs and maybe a beef cow or two. 

- Noelle is a super smart two year old that chatters incessantly these days.  Her sweet, passionate, dramatic and highly intelligent personality never fails to keep us on our toes.  She is a child growing up in an adults world.  She is very ready for a brother and sister and is totally enamored with anything “baby”  Caring for her baby dolls takes up a big portion of her day and one of her tasks when she goes to bed is to make sure her babies are tucked in and warm as she goes to sleep with them.

- I turned 27 years old in June. I look more like I am 37 which I attribute to my extensive maturity (yes, that is your cue to laugh hysterically =D) I am a much more open person than I used to be. Definitely a lot more confident. I read through very old blog posts from before I got married and wonder where the ditzy blond has gone.  People who meet me today have no clue I used to be a complete space cadet. I passionately love our life. I feel as though we are on a journey to becoming who we really want to be.  Seems a silly thing attempt to express in words but I have come to the conclusion in recent days that I have lived my life in reaction to what life dishes out to me almost my entire life. It is incredibly freeing to truly grasp the concept that I CAN be whoever and whatever I want to be, it is simply a matter of carefully counting the cost, making a decision and then pursuing the idea/dream/goal and paying the sacrifices along the way that are required. It is such a joy to discover anew that systematically discussing and making pro-active life decisions, problem solving and fighting for our goals together brings enjoyment to Steve and I. Having a husband that can be so much on the same page with finances, general life philosophies, child raising techniques and ideas, doctrine (or the lack of it lol).  I don’t think I will ever cease to be grateful for a man that has the ability, willingness and desire to talk all things that pertain to our life together. From the grocery budget, to what I want to wear or not wear, what educational philosophy we are going to choose for our kids, to how the business is run and what direction the company goes in he listens and genuinely respects my point of view.  THAT is absolutely priceless in my book.

- Steve and I celebrated four years of marriage in May. A lot of big stuff has happened in four years. Got married, moved cross country, Two jobs obtained and quit, business started from scratch with business partners, multiple miscarriages, baby born, cross country move, business partners bought out and becoming sole owners/managers of the business, hirings, growth, losing valued relationships, hirings, trainings, growth, live in guests almost the whole time, and most recently another baby lost.  People said the first year would be the hardest. It wasn’t for us. In some ways every subsequent year has been harder for our marriage, new and deeper challenges to deal with. Learning the deeper levels of the other person and experiencing the days where nothing is what you expected life to be and stress levels are beyond high. Don’t think the learning curve ever stops in marriage. The relatively concentrated pain and stress we have experienced in our short years of marriage have compelled us into treasuring and working for each other where it would be all too easy to take each other for granted when walking an easier path in life. At the end of four years I can say that my confidence in who he is, the absolute trust I have in him, the respect he earns anew from me every day, and the love that I felt when I married him have all increased by leaps and bounds. It is the rare woman that can genuinely on every level of life respect the man she married after going through several of life’s knock downs and I am humbled and grateful to count myself among them.

The early morning is slipping away through my finger tips and the caffeine from the too late at night hot tea I indulged in is wearing off. Time for me to slip into bed with my husband and catch a few hours sleep. Busy Saturday tomorrow, business meetings all day and overnight company coming in the afternoon. I love sweet times of fellowship with friends! We have been so blessed with the diverse yet very genuine friends God has brought into our lives.

Until the next time the urge to write catches up with me…G’night.