August 28, 2009

  • Rough Week

    This past week has been a rough one for our little family and household. My obsessive compulsive brain has gone over the details again and again and yet again of the events that transpired, the words that were said but most of all the emotions that were felt. Initially my conclusions were that 2+2 did NOT = 4. It kept coming out at 7 or 3 or 5. That always bothers me. Until action, reaction, and the resulting emotional response = something that makes sense in any context it’s like a puzzle that a couple of pieces have been lost from.  So I searched for pieces. Prayed for wisdom, for understanding, for clarity of thought.

    I don’t pretend to fully understand what happened. The situation is still baffling to me and has gone down as one of the most bizarre roller coaster rides I’ve ever seen or been on. But, instead of being completely frustrated with no answers as to why the impact was as great as it was on all parties, something at least makes sense now. As an accomplished manipulator (yeah yeah, I’m coming clean about that) if I had attempted to hurt all of the individuals that were involved in this I could not have come up with a more perfect scenario. Previous experiences in multiple peoples lives, still tender wounds of broken trust, broken friendship, sensitivities from things that we had considered part of our past lives, vulnerabilities in areas most of us would have never admitted to having and perhaps did not even know we had took a bigger toll than anybody could have ever anticipated. While this in no way negates taking personal responsibility for actions or reactions however inappropriate or extreme it does help make the 2+2 come closer to = 4. Close enough that my mind can start to let it go, let it rest and become part of the past instead of so very much in our present.

    Never have I ever seen God so directly use a situation that involved individuals outside of our family in such a negative context to so greatly positively impact us as a couple. Strange as it is to say, it is absolutely true. God used parts of what happened in our home, literally under our noses as a mirror to reflect back some things in ourselves that were not pleasant. It was humbling. It was painful. It was real. It was crucial. I am so very grateful for that. For such a “hands on” way to experience God’s working something to our good and His glory. That does not happen in such an immediate way very often in my life.

    Love. Forgiveness. Grace. Trust. Freedom. Love. Not feelings but actions. Translating these concepts from the realm of feelings into the reality of actions is a lot harder than it sounds like it would be. I am learning. And ever so grateful for the people in my life. And especially grateful for my husband. The man I married is unashamedly tenderhearted and it is a characteristic that never ceases to humble me and fill me with thankfulness. I so clearly remember being on my face before God, begging Him to show me beyond all shadow of a doubt whether or not this was the man I was to marry, if this was truly His will for me or simply my own desires and emotions. The answer was crystal clear then and now, almost five years later is even more clear. If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, the short comings, hardships, frustrations and hurts that would be to come there would be no second guessing or hesitation…I would choose to be his wife again in a heartbeat knowing it would be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

    A heads up to our frequent company. Part of the fall out of this situation is the advent of “House Rules” for our home that our guests and ourselves will abide by. This isn’t something we’ve ever felt the need to have in our home before but, it’s not a bad idea under any circumstances. Better late than never eh?   The first two drafts have had me giggling helplessly at how hilarious and extreme sounding some of the rules are, stuff one would never think would need to be put into writing. I can just see a single guy reading them and thinking “Wow, what is this deal with no suggestive or romantic bodily contact unless officially interested in a relationship or engaged??? These people are so weird.” Well, yes, we are. <ahem> And by many standards hyper sensitive. But, we have good reason for some of the weird rules. For example: “If you are a wonderfully helpful person and choose to pitch in and do dishes please do not use dish detergent on the cast iron” and if nothing else might provide some humor to what would otherwise be a very dry and boring list indeed.

    Enough word processing for me. Back to my busy busy day.

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